Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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