if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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