Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
