I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
