so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
