he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
