I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
