Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
