Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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