just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my being single is dangerous.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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