Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize