Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
