Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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