WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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