Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
