can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
