____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
