no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
