Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
