I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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