Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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