We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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