shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
