no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize