dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
