It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
