i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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