A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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