Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize