btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
