I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
