Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well I just put wine in my tea
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
