the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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