I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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