im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
