I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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