I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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