Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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