Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I checked into jail on foursquare
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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