I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i think i just lost a toe
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
