this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
