so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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