I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
