You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
