I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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