Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
