Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just gargled with NyQuil
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
