$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
