I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
