I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
