im having a threesome with these popsicles
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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