what day is it and did you see me today?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
