Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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