he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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