I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
