The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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