I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
