You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
