Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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