Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
