nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
