Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
