True but thats because hes a fetus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I enjoy the company of your penis
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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