I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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