my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
