Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
