My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
