Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
