i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
