his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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